I’ve often wondered what life would be like if the rules of our society were based on my nine year old’s perspective. What would be important to me and what wouldn’t?
Would I eat two breakfasts instead of one? Would either of them be healthy? The adult me still loves Poptarts like her nine year self. Though, I don’t feel the need to hide what I’m choosing as I did back then. My grandmother let me have Poptarts at her house with a half of grapefruit and a cup of coffee but my mother said not in her house. My mother insisted cereal for breakfast like what she bought was healthier than a Poptart… Lucky Charms, Sugar Pops, or Trix really was so much better.
Nine year old me would have preferred having either one without all the squawking and finger pointing that I was being spoiled by my grandmother. I didn’t need special breakfasts with fruit and coffee.
But that’s just a narrow focus now when even back then I was aware of so many social injustices that needed change. My friends shouldn’t have to drink at a different water fountain than me. Nor should they have to sit in the back at Woolworths. Why couldn’t we all sit together. A child doesn’t see skin color. A child only sees the actions in the moment. A child is taught to judge. A child is taught hatred. A child is forced to choose.
“All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams.”- Elias Canetti
My world would eliminate all prejudice. My world everyone would love one another. Heck, I would give us all rainbow colors and we’d all be playing at the park together. School wouldn’t be required.
Just to be safe I would make every adult unable to speak or to act in a mean manner. There wouldn’t be guns. or any way to hurt another. Yup, my nine year self needed a safe place. Unfortunately, I didn’t have that so it’s fun to imagine a sweet place to exist before my childhood was stolen.
“The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don’t know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.”- James Arthur Baldwin
Stop the clock! Have you ever considered how often we do the same thing at the same time each day? We self schedule our lives even when it’s not necessary.
I’m retired, yet I get up before six am every day. It’s not because I have anything urgent going on. I desire coffee and reading time before any one in the house rises. It’s me and the fur babies. A couple of snuggles with them while the coffee brews and then it’s to love seat with my coffee and book. That’s an ideal beginning to any day for me. My husband always asks why don’t I sleep in. I truly look forward to my quiet time. Life’s to short to not do what gives us joy.
I discovered an interesting read by C.S. Lewis about grieving. His wife died of cancer and the book shares not only his grief but an understanding of love. All of us experience grief differently despite the theory of five stages. This year has determined I will process whether I’m ready or not.
Discovering that I had a mini stroke from one of my migraines forced me to think about life’s shortcomings and blessings. In between the flurry of MRI’s and brain tests, my mother passed and my niece committed suicide. I was shocked at my niece’s choice to end her life. I was relieved my mother passed. My brother took our mother’s passing hard but then he was close to her whereas her and I never had a relationship. If that wasn’t enough to process, my brother was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer and doesn’t have his mother to help him cope. I’m all he has now.
Life doesn’t schedule inconveniences. It just happens. Like Johnny’s unexpected death in 2019, my son, his father’s determination to lose himself in the clutches of crystal meth. My niece choosing death when her whole life was ahead of her. Cancer claiming another victim in my family. My migraine purgatory added a surprise just to remind me to be in the moment.
So yes, my morning routine has immense joy to me. I’m blessed to enjoy snuggles with my fur babies. I’m blessed to love and be loved by an amazing man. I’m blessed to co-habit with not just my husband but with my daughter and granddaughter in Las Vegas. I’m blessed to have one of my sons moving forward in his life with his family after retiring from a twenty six year stint in the Navy. I pray the other son will make the choice to get help. Nothing I say or do reaches him so what ever happens will happen.
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” – Kahlil Gibran
Live in the moment, is all I can do and show my loved ones how much I love them. Lewis reminds us all the power of seeing not only life’s enchantments while not being disenchanted because even with no sense of joy or sorrow life’s intimacy will/does sharply embrace us before eventually restoring us. Simply a matter of believing.
“The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their oneness with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit and that its center is really everywhere, it is within each of us.” – Black Elk
I packed a lot of my bulkier pans today, and moved the ones that I had hanging on the copper pot bar by extra hooks into the cupboard. The pan rack came with six copper hooks but I had way more pans than that so when we hung it up we doubled the chain support and bought extra wrought iron hooks to hold my handled pans. This freed up the cupboard space for all the non-handled pans. The cupboards look less congested now. I didn’t want the next owner thinking all the wrought iron was included when she returns with the building inspector on Tuesday. People are quite presumptuous.
I’m still amused that she noted all landscaping in the bid. Upon further discussion, she was including my planters which are not permanent. Sorry about your luck, buy your own. Some of my planters went to my son’s and some are going with me. When we moved here there was nothing but that ugly green ivy that contractors use. The previous owners did nothing prior to us. In the back yard, I’ve planted hostas, peonies, juniper, hydrangea, lilies, and 2 beautiful rose bushes. There was a rhubarb patch but I’m not seeing it yet this spring. We did have a very wet and cold winter so it may not be returning. In the front, I’ve planted more hostas, 2 more roses, daffodils, lilies, tulips, gladiolus, and a weeping cypress. It’s a lot prettier than it was.
Macavity’s portable dvd player arrived yesterday. He wore out ours watching a cat sitter dvd. Yes, they make videos for cats. It has a continuous loop with birds at a feeder, mice playing in a cage, pigeons on a sidewalk, an owl in a tree, chipmunks scurrying in the grass, butterflies and cricket sounds in a meadow and the occasional frog. He watches for hours at a time, occasionally trying to catch with his paws. Originally, I got the dvd because he had separation anxiety when he first came to our home.
One of the funniest experiences with the original dvd player was the button to turn it on was on top. The television is a touch screen. I used to walk over touch the tv and then the dvd player before we left to do errands. Macavity recognized my scent and began turning the tv and player on himself. It would come on in the middle of the night basically whenever he wanted it. The little shit would even interrupt my program by pushing the dvd start button. Anyway, a friend was spending the weekend with us and I warned him he might hear the tv in the middle of the night. Not to be concerned it would only be Macavity. He rolled his eyes at me.
Surprise, in the morning he says to me the tv woke him up and when he got up to see he noticed our door was open and we were both in bed. Yeah, the hall light does luminate our room if we don’t shut the door which we typically don’t so our cats have free roam. He came downstairs to investigate and no one was visible so he shut the tv off. He didn’t make it up the stairs and the tv came back on. I burst out laughing. And reminded him that I warned him Macavity liked his tv time.
I’m hoping between the familiarity of riding in the car, the lavender calming collar and the dvd player will make our move a positive experience for all of us. I moved it to the bench so I could use my table. He’s intently watching right now while I write. He hopped down off the bench, grabbed a snack while I was packing and returned to the dvd. Usually, he paces while I pack things. Change isn’t easy for Macavity.
7 days left in April and 30 days in May and this experience ends and our new one begins.
Did you see yesterday Joe Long passed. He’s the second member of the Four Seasons. Tommy DeVito passed last fall. Covid didn’t care that they were talented musicians. I’ve been listening to a lot of oldies while I pack. Like Macavity, I need to be less stressed with this what seems like an insurmountable task.
I saw this yesterday . It reminded me of conversations I had with a dear older friend in Maine. There are still several things I haven’t managed but I will. I’m looking forward to a new beginning.
“A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to… A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour… A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE … a youth she’s content to leave behind…. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age…. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….. a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra… A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry… A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family… A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored… A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. a feeling of control over her destiny… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… how to fall in love without losing herself.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… HOW TO QUIT A JOB, BREAK UP WITH A LOVER, AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… that she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… that her childhood may not have been perfect…but it’s over… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… where to go… be it to her best friend’s kitchen table… or a charming inn in the woods… when her soul needs soothing… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… what she can and can’t accomplish in a day… a month…and a year…” ― Pamela Redmond Satran
Our house has been on the market now 2 weeks with about 15 perspective buyers wandering through our home. One outright said it was to expensive. Well, it is selling for five thousand over the evaluated tax price listed with the town, so I don’t think so. Nor is higher priced than the other three in our development that have recently sold. So get real
We did, especially since we came into this house when the market was higher and paid high for this house. And then ended up syncing 50,000 in here for windows and sliding glass door. No they’re not typical windows, they’re all custom sized bay windows. The worse was the nine foot by four foot in the living room. But price wise the nine foot sliding glass door was close. Can’t change the size because of the Home Owners Association. Never going to live with one of them again. Let’s just says assholes and leave it at that.
We had three others express interest but only one actually made an official offer. Unfortunately, it wasn’t high enough to cover the mortgage and closing costs and leave us with enough to pay for our move. We didn’t expect a high profit margin, truly all we needed was enough to cover the move and make a deposit on a rental. Just in case, you aren’t familiar with closing costs, the state gets a chunk, the town gets a chunk, the realtor and legal fees. All of them together get more than us. It might as well be a short sale but that typically scares buyers away because the mortgage company has the final say. We would be in the same place financially.
Our mortgage company thus far or should I say like it is the investor who scoffed up our mortgage has been a royal pain in the ass. You know he didn’t pay full price for the loan but damn well expects to make a high turn around. If it wouldn’t be such a huge negative credit mark, I’d simply dump it and let them deal with everything. Because right now we’re negative on what we need to cover hiring a moving company and having the security deposit for our next apartment.
Another showing today, maybe a better offer. It’s good Friday, one can hope.
On the brighter note, I’m enjoying how pretty it looks inside since my son John, Debbie and Brian painted it. The house feels so peaceful inside. Outside, the lilies and hostas have all sprouted. The daffodils and hyacinths are in bloom, the tulips are close. My gorgeous rose bushes all have red new growth. I’m going to miss my gardens. 😦
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu
The memories they hold and the stories they tell. On the fireplace mantle I have a piece of driftwood under the picture of the seagull swooping down over the sand. It’s a grayish brown in color and straight with rounded ends. Nothing spectacular visually but it has a story.
I was working for Northern Outdoors Whitewater Rafting at the Forks, Maine on weekends and driving school bus during the week. On this day, I was carrying food down to the halfway point on the Kennebec River like the other bus drivers for the different rafting companies. A friend of mine, Brenda Gleason was there for New England Whitewater. She and I drove school bus together as well. We had time on our hands waiting for the rafts when I pulled the driftwood from the river. Brenda asked me what was bothering me. Typical me, said everything was fine and dandy. That was always my answer when I didn’t want to talk about things.
I put the piece of driftwood in my bus. I didn’t think about the driftwood again until much later. It was gone when I went to retrieve it after my shift. No surprise. At that time in my life, nothing went as as it was supposed to be.
Monday morning I unlocked my school bus and there on the dash of my bus was the missing driftwood with fine and dandy wood burned along the side. I didn’t see Brenda until later in the day. I thanked her for making my driftwood log special.
That piece of driftwood traveled in my Pontiac Catalina, then my Ford truck and then my Dodge Neon before becoming a part of beach décor. I’m guilty of still saying when I don’t want to talk… I’m fine and dandy.
I’m not sure where it will be displayed in our next home but I know it definitely going with us.
“Memory is the diary we all carry about with us.”― Oscar Wilde
The listing went up March 17th. The realtor said there were requests to see the house the very next day. WTF? I didn’t even have it clean yet or all the boxes moved to the basement. I said, not happening. Schedule them for Friday. And then I did what I could get done until Jordi came over. Thank goodness he is young and strong because the boxes alone would have killed me. He did all the running up and downstairs and unassembled the cabinet upstairs so we get it ready for bulk pick-up. He’s been our salvation through the packing thus far.
I went to bed exhausted and it still wasn’t all done. I got up early and continued with the cleaning. I finished with 15 minutes to spare before the first appointment. We have a ridiculous amount of glass and mirrors in here that takes a lot of time.
Macavity and I collapsed in the car together while Vic did a walk through with the realtor.
“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.” – Robert Tew
It’s stressful enough getting everything done but then trying to find ways to make it easier on Macavity. He hates riding in the car. I can’t say that’s unexpected, most cats react that way. But the alternative is more terrifying to me. Back in 2016 when we had the first realtor experience, she left the sliding glass door open and my cats ended up missing. Purryl and Yeatsie thankfully were only in the lower yard but Macavity was missing for hours. We fired her and withdrew the house from the market. I was so upset that he had been placed in harms way. I stressed to this realtor under no circumstances are the doors to be left open. I didn’t feel confident this would happen so I’m taking Macavity with us. Thank goodness I was still holding Macavity because we came home to the back door open. WTF? Are all realtors brought up in barns? Or without common sense?
Anyway, Friday and Saturday there were showings and now there’s an open house scheduled for this weekend. Macavity did better on Saturday in the car then he did on Friday. Hopefully, this weekend he will as well.
Selling a house during a Covid pandemic, adds another dimension to the picture. I’m faced with wiping all the surfaces once we’re back in the house to minimize the virus risks. I don’t feel comfortable not doing it. So clean before I leave and then clean again once I’m home. Lucky me.
“Welcome to my nightmare.” comes to mind.
We did get the first round of vaccine and the second round is scheduled but Macavity doesn’t have that luxury. He is already compromised with his heart condition so I can’t take any chances.
Yesterday, we worked on finishing the basement floor with interlocking mats. I was surprised what a difference it made, the concrete was freezing. It looks good compared to when we got the house, the previous owner had a blue rug that didn’t match anything down there and there wasn’t even a pad under it which we discovered after the water line broke. We had to pull everything because it got moldy.
“I used to feel like this home was my anchor in a storm, but leaving it… is it saving us from drowning. The taxes alone are staggering, add in the home owners fees on top of the mortgage there’s no way we can survive here. This house has been the gift that kept giving. We’ve had so many repair nightmares. I’m not sad to see it go, but I’m sad at what is involved to get to the next stage in our life. I can’t imagine doing this more than once in a lifetime but people do.
If you could throw any kind of party, what would it be for? (Covid considerations are suspended for this question)
Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love throwing costume parties. The anticipation of seeing everyone’s costumes is the best part.
Is a picture worth a thousand words? Elaborate.
I’ve taken a lot of pictures in my life, I’m not sure if they speak 1000 words but they do speak volumes about me.
Where IS Waldo? (Waldo, for those unfamiliar with him, is a cartoon character featured in many “find Waldo” images and puzzles) <—— WALDO
Waldo is taking a nap on my back deck. Waldo has been traveling a lot avoiding all the restrictions of Covid, When he landed in Jersey, I offered him our guest room but he really wanted to be outside. He’s hoping to see the new moon before anyone else.on… March 13, 2021
What’s the best part of waking up?
The smell of coffee beans being ground and then the aroma of coffee brewing. I love the quiet in the early morning as I patiently wake for my coffee.
Would you rather be covered in fur or covered in scales? (Wee disclaimer. I’m certainly not advocating the slaughter of creatures and the use of their skins for clothing or accessories. No! This question is a ‘grow your own’ type question…if you had an option of your own skin being made of fur OR scales, which would you choose?)
Fur, it’s not exactly beach weather yet.
“There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t.” —John Green
Painted the upper trim in front entry way. The last time it was painted my friend talked me into painting it the same color as the wall because it doesn’t really say anything. It doesn’t frame a window or define the end of a space. But I never liked it blending in. Today, I painted it the same color as the lower trim and the window. It’s now monroe bisque and if I do say so… what a difference. It adds some visual and makes my photographs pop right out.
I wore my boot for part of the painting and my sneaker for the other so I didn’t abuse the foot. I wish I could say one was better than the other. I’m writing this blog entry with a tens unit do it’s thing on my foot. It’s so frustrating that 5 months later the foot still hurts this much.
“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.” —Parker Palmer
Many people understand the importance of eating right but it takes more than eating the right food if your body doesn’t process the way it supposed to do. I know every time I go for my physical I have bloodwork done and it comes back flagged with 2 deficiencies. I eat fruits, veggies and drink almond milk everyday. Doesn’t matter. my bloodwork says vitamin d and vitamin b12 are deficient. So I take supplements..
I felt sad and anxious … assumed that being depressed was a norm. I discussed my feelings with my doctor which led to my bloodwork. What a difference in just a couple of weeks. I suggest if you’re feeling out of sorts or sad that you ask your doctor to check your vitamin D and vitamin B12 levels to be sure. Vitamins don’t make me feel funny or make me feel tired. Some medical practioner’s are saying vitamin D is helpful against covid as well.
Just a brief recap, Sept 30th, I fell down the stairs carrying a box that was going to my granddaughter in Maine. I got up and continued bringing the box to the car and fetched the rest. No big deal, who doesn’t fall. I checked it out before bed, no bruising but it was sore. We went to Maine the next morning and made the deliveries. The following week a dark discoloration/ bruise appeared and the pain level increased. So I thought, well I’ll get it checked out. Ex-rays showed the third metatarsal was broke but he was concerned about the extension of my achilles and the swelling that was appearing in my calf. Okay on to get an MRI. MRI showed the achilles was torn slightly so into this boot for 3 months. The break healed but the achilles was still causing my toes to curl and the back of my leg to spasm. So we began PT, and a home tens unit. Now, mind you we’re talking four months and I still can’t walk without pain.
That’s not going to work I have a house to pack, and painting to finish so we get the best possible selling price. So interest of doing insanity I found a way to work for a couple of hours, use the tens unit to manage the pain. It made the process slower than it needed but at least there’s progress. I go to the Doctor yesterday morning for a recheck. I ask why the outside of my foot has increased in pain while the rest has appeared to recover. He takes another ex-ray and I have a new break.
You have got to frigging kidding. I’ve worn the boot when I’ve had to be on my foot longer periods even after I was freed. I am beside myself with frustration. Now, another MRI appointment is for this afternoon. He said to wear the boot again to I see him on the 17th when he goes over the results.
I’ve got a realtor biting at the bit to show our house and I’m still trying to pack. Can we say timing sucks?
If that wasn’t stressful enough, Vic’s mother collapsed again. She’s in the hospital because of oxygen deprivation and disorientation which go hand in hand. She lives in the St. Louis area, easy enough to get to if you hop on a plane. If you have the money to do that or feel comfortable flying with all the covid issues. Timing again, yesterday was Vic’s 68th birthday.
These are some of the crochet projects I completed during my time out from writing. My granddaughter , Olyvia was very happy with her albino bat like the one in Roblox, Stitch, Mike and Sully, and Rudolph. I made a few of the Plague doctor and nurse with cards saying 2020 survivor. And of course, hats and scarves for family. I did make all the grandchildren a reindeer for their holiday decorations. I made productive use of my time in the boot and restricted walking.
I’m going to close this entry with one of my go to quotes when I feel overwhelmed.
“On your darkest days do not try to see the end of the tunnel by looking far ahead. Focus only on where you are right now. Then carefully take one step at a time, by placing just one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, you will turn that corner.” ― Anthon St. Maarten
“If we allow ourselves to stay amazed and astounded at the vibrant instants of every day and do not feel ashamed of admitting to being speechless or dumbfounded sometimes, we can uncover unsuspected sparkling gems hidden in the nooks crannies of our mind.( “Skyward, over and above”.)” ― Erik Pevernagie
I was listening to another pissing contest among our politicians which led me to this ramble.
I think the word dumbfounded is another one of those compounds I love to ponder. Only this one seems to make sense. It is like finding dumb. Like finding you are at a loss for words (completely amazed and astonished). At that very moment I was officially and irrevocably dumbfounded. There was no way to for me to explain what had just happened.” ― J. W. Lord
I feel fantastic, bombastic,
How a girl can really lose her brain
I feel surrounded, confounded
To think you've nearly won your game