All the appointments are scheduled, now it’s just waiting again which is challenging for this proactive woman. I remember the first time I was introduced to cancer was in 1980. I had stage 4 cervical cancer but I was also pregnant with my daughter. My doctor at the time immediately wanted to do an abortion and then a radical hysterectomy. No abortion for me. I’ll support any woman’s right to make a choice but personally that wasn’t my choice. I changed doctors because I wanted a doctor that was willing to put what mattered most first which was carrying my baby to term than addressing cancer. It wasn’t a priority in my life then nor can it be now. That doesn’t mean I’m dismissing the risks, it just means that I have things that matter that need first priority. I could have easily gone in reactive mode instead I chose proactive. I became my strongest advocate.
It’s so easy to be focused on living in the daytime. I’m writing, gardening, reading, crocheting, and cooking. All things that I love to do. I’ve begun a healing shawl, crocheting each stitch with intent that this battle will be won easily at this point in the game. I’m living every day like it maybe my last even though I know it’s not.
The challenge lies when I lie down at night, and all the nagging doubts surface. I need this cancer scare to go away which is why I chose this song today. I’m not feeling insecure in my relationship with Vic or my family. It’s more about seeing them without me that disrupts my sleep. All the what if’s?
I had the genetic testing done in 2005, the determination at the time was based on the path my cancers had already taken that brain cancer would be next. So that dark piece has always loomed beneath the surface. I’ve done a reasonably good job of not letting it diminish my everyday. This circumstance caught me by surprise rocking my comfort zone. Those c words again, circumstance, caught, comfort, challenges and cancer are making demands when in truth I would rather make the world go away.
Background on this song. I heard a lot as a child. My father worked nights so in the evening after my siblings and I were sent to bed my mother would play Eddy Arnold and Jim Reeves on the stereo. She would sing along. Even as a child, I could hear the unhappiness in her voice. Their marriage wasn’t a happy one for either one of them, both buried themselves in booze and songs of unhappiness. Neither of them were proactive about their needs, they wallowed in drunken woe is me.
“Make the world go away
And get it off my shoulders
Say the things you used to say
And make the world go away
Do you remember when you loved me
Before the world took me astray
If you do, then forgive me
And make the world go away”
The world hasn’t taken me astray nor is our marriage struggling but what is happening is a scary interruption that requires more commitment than ever because fear is a voracious enemy that can cause hurt in any relationship. We all say things in frustration or anger that never go away. The words hang like a fungus between us. I highly recommend compassion, caution and concern, they go hand in hand when speaking.
I’m blessed that I love writing poetry, it offers me an outlet that many others on this letter-c journey don’t have. Poetry makes me feel braver. It offers me a place to go when I can’t talk to people or I’m in need of an answer. Once I write the poem, my feelings are locked into the poem.
Deny the Demon © Lyn Crain
A terrified woman
desperately seeks witty prose or
maybe a profound verse to
silence the fearful words cast out
Words daring to tread
the dark vortex of her mind
Every uncomfortable syllable spoke
Rips into her like a river raging across rocks
hoping they meander to a calm sea but
instead, the brief sardonic pauses spring
like crickets on grass blades before
every word penetrating
like a cat’s claw into tender flesh.
Every agonizing sigh expires
with a fiendish cascade of silky tears.
The unspoken fears break down
every beat of the mind and heart
In to a desiccated submission
as the sun rises.
A new day where
Inspiration refuses to wither.