Sleep eluded me because my internal alarm clock since I got the diagnosis woke me at 2:00 am again. Cancer concerns are disruptive to all normalcy. I admit the moon was beautiful glowing in the window across Yeatsie’s body sprawled across the carpet. He’s my sixteen year old blue tabby. For the life of me, I have no idea why the vet says he’s a blue tabby. I just know he’s an enjoyable member of our family.
My thoughts returned to a conversation earlier in the day about death. For me death isn’t scary because I’ve already done it once, in a crazy accident in 2007. The warm white beckoned me to go forward. It was so peaceful there I was so tempted but I wondered where Vic was and then I had the sharpest pain ever in my chest with an EMT looming above me as I woke up in an ambulance. My sternum had been broken along with three broken ribs. Needless to say breathing was brutal for a while. I never felt fear. Though I’m glad it wasn’t my time to go.
I’ve thought about death a lot since then. Death happens to us all. It’s the natural progression. What isn’t acceptable to me is suffering before we pass. I’m a firm believer in compassionate suicide. Everyone should die with dignity. It’s sad to me that as a society, we don’t bat an eye putting our pets down so they don’t suffer but insist that our loved ones or even ourselves do suffer.
What brought about the conversation was my previous round with cancer. The chemo made me so sick, I longed for death. I just wanted it to end. I told Vic, that if if cancer recurred I would never do chemo again. I lost weight, my hair, my sense of taste and smell and was exhausted all the time. Fifteen years ago they didn’t have as many options as they do now so hopefully things won’t take me back to that darkness again.
Then, I thought about all the dreams I have still. I want to be married to Vic longer than I was with my first husband. We’re coming up on our 12th wedding anniversary on Halloween, we’re only 18 years shy of that goal. There are so many places, I hope to see with Vic. Writing that I want to publish. Grandchildren, my children, and my fur babies I adore and want to see their lives evolve. There’s so many things I want to do with them. I want to finish my mandala afghan and maybe create a second one. I have always wanted to live to one hundred. Imagine being able to say, I’m a centenarian. “This year, the number of centenarians has increased to a new high of around 533,000 worldwide. The United Nations expect that number to rise to approximately 573,000 by 2020. The U.S. has the highest absolute number of centenarians in the world with 72,000 living in the country. Jul 26, 2019″ ~ https://www.statista.com To me our dreams have validity, regardless of where we’re from.
“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”
– C.S. Lewis
I know many of you can relate to the things that matter most to me. Life is meant to be lived. Which brings me to my song choice for today by Etta James, Something’s Got a Hold on Me. Just thinking about my goals, my dreams and what motivates me the most definitely brings joy to my step that dang letter c can’t touch. I won’t let it.
Like Etta, I get a good feeling…. a feeling I’ve never had before.
“Let me tell you now … I got a feeling, I feel so strange…. Everything about me seems to have changed.. Step by step, I got a brand new walk… I even sound sweeter when I talk Oh, something’s got a hold on me right now, child (oh, it must be love) ”