“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” ~ Amit Ray

This message has been expressed in so many different ways but… yeah, there is always a but when it comes to actually doing it. It’s easier said than done.  I do reasonably well during the day at living in the moment, not focusing on the letter-c. However, it’s the night time. I fall asleep than the demons come alive and I’m awake. I long for the grace of silence, not the disturbance of the shadow of the letter-c. Damn you cancer.

I know I’m not alone in this because some one I know who’s also a cancer survivor recently and is still doing the six month check-ups has the same anxiety come night time. Cancer no matter what form it is has the same devastating emotional impact on the person battling it now, or in remission, or past the five year benchmark the lingering fear under the surface remains… cancer may not kill you this time but it can try again. “Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.” ― Jane Wagner

My husband, Vic, said to me this morning after reading the quote I shared by Oscar Wilde, “You didn’t use the wrong fork. You didn’t do anything wrong. Cancer did. It chose the wrong woman to do battle with. You got this.”  His words reminded me of a lyric in a song I love… Tennessee Whiskey.

One because I do enjoy good bourbon. I love the smooth warmth that flows through your body as it slides down. In that moment, that’s how Vic made me feel. He knew what needed to be said. I’m so lucky to have him with me on this journey.  Sometimes no matter what stress is happening in your life, it doesn’t have to be cancer just having that one person who knows when and what to say in the moment makes all the difference in the world. There’s nothing more powerful than to love and to be loved.

“You’re as smooth as Tennessee whiskey
You’re as sweet as strawberry wine
You’re as warm as a glass of brandy
And honey, I stay stoned on your love all the time

I’ve looked for love in all the same old places
Found the bottom of a bottle always dry
But when you poured out your heart I didn’t waste it
‘Cause there’s nothing like your love to get me high” ~Chris Stapleton.

I just want it to begin so we can move onto other things but what will that be. Our country is ravaged with more and more covid-19 cases and it is only going to increase as more and more people let down their guard. We saw it with the opening of the beaches as Memorial Day weekend happened. People partied and left trash everywhere exposing others to risk.

Followed by the cruel murder of George Floyd and people took to the streets enraged by the actions of the police. I couldn’t believe how many people complained about the people gathering to protest but didn’t give a rats ass about the socializing that took place on the holiday weekend.It’s okay to ignore the stay at home orders and go hang out on the beach but its not okay to protest because of injustices committed by law enforcement.

My friend and I were talking about the current Black Lives Matter movement and I said the reason this situation is still happening is because of our need to have loopholes. We’re on this course of sorrow because the only knots that were tied were ones of hate. It will never resolve until hate ends and the likely hood of that is slim because social injustice generates money.

Thankfully, these protests have inspired action in the right direction but will the ball be dropped once again like it was in the 60’s early 70’s. I saw so many injustices as youth and then as a teen during the civil rights movement I never imagined that our country would sink to such shameful level as it has.

Apologies are simply words, back it up with laws that guarantee equality for all and get rid of the damn loopholes that exist in our society once and for all. King said it best, “I have a dream” in his famous speech. I need to believe that dreams aren’t just for the dreamers.

With all the many different levels of emotional stress happening right now that unfortunately I find it challenging to want to be any moment. Maybe cancer is a blessing after all because it has changed my focus. I’m writing more everyday. Some pieces are dark but not all. This one I wrote today, I haven’t decided what to name it nor am I am sure it’s finished. It’s a work in progress but then isn’t everything in life.

 as memories fade

mired by melancholy

like a mourning dove

bereft of of all joy

life gave ominous reminders

that pain is normal

and what remains

 is the comfort

knowing death awaits. ©Lyn Crain