There are things to be happy about when it comes to the diagnostics involved thus far. I don’t have the protons found in the later stages of pancreatic cancer. The MRI didn’t show a mass in the pancreas. What is still on the table are the malignant cells found in the entrance of the pancreas and the bile duct. That is why he chose to address it first as pancreatic but with the next diagnostic the goal is to narrow the area. I have an in-person appointment with him to discuss the process, the goals and how we go forward. Pancreatic cancer has a much higher success rate unfortunately than bile duct cancer so everything done now matters when it comes to my longevity.

Once that is appointment is done, I want a second opinion with another doctor so I have done diligence. I respect my doctor’s conservative approach but I also know being conservative in my previous cancers wasn’t successful so I need to be my strongest advocate.  My goal is to be a centenarian so I need to cover every angle and to dot all my i’s and cross all my t’s as my favorite teacher, Mrs. Swenson always reminded us.

That poor woman, I drove her crazy because I refused to capitalize my first name. I always wrote lyn and then capitalized my last name. I felt I was just  me, the true value lies in my family name, the heritage of our existence. I’m sixty four and I still don’t capitalize my first name. I am who I am. A capital will not make me any different.

Mrs. Swenson she inspired my love of reading. She read out loud to every afternoon. Her voice carried us away into the classics every afternoon. My favorite stories were the Prince and the Pauper and the Secret Garden. She opened my mind to the possibilities of becoming a writer. Our assignment was to rewrite our favorite part. It was incredibly exciting to have that kind of power on the page as a ten year old. I was given permission to change a story that was published by an adult anyway I wanted. We talked about what we wrote and why we wanted the story to change in this way. Thinking back, we learned so much about editing,self-expression and using our imagination to improve a story. I’ve re-read both books and rewrote my own story line numerous times over the years. I should create some found poetry with each of them and see where my mind goes.

I had my nerve block done this morning for my migraines. I have crazy pressure following the injections and the only way I can reach a comfortable space is to lie down for a couple hours once I get back home.  Something about lying flat helps, at least for me it does. The afternoon disappeared on me and before I knew it was time for my writing group and then finally get to my blog entry. My emotions are still all over the place and I tire easier than I want to admit. Maybe saving my energy for when I will need it most will be beneficial but unfortunately rest seems to allude me. Another doctor question? I know sleep is highly over-rated but I do need it.

I’m much to young to feel this damn old as Garth Brooks would say.

This ol’ highway’s getting longer
Seems there ain’t no end in sight
To sleep would be best, but I just can’t afford to rest

I’m much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I’m much too young to feel this damn old