I was surprised to see my last post was November 29th, 2017.  I worked religiously on getting the 50,000 words done for the challenge in November then I began the dreaded task of editing what I had written. Some parts I genuinely liked but others not so much. One thing continuously screamed at me was Mairin didn’t want her story told in 3rd person, she wanted to talk herself. Reminded me of myself, I hate being in the background silent when I’m quite capable of speaking for myself.

Sadly, that wasn’t always the case. In my younger years, I was intimidated by an abusive husband I didn’t speak much at all. It was safer to let him talk. But over time I tossed that inhibition aside and became my own advocate. I’m finding Mairin is as well whether I want her to be or not.

For those of you not familiar with writing, who are probably shaking your head and thinking what is she talking about, she’s the author. True, I’m the author but as an author is writing the character develops on the page the writing is swept away by the character as the author thinks and writes from their point of view. I chuckled several times rereading something I wrote and wondered where did that come from. I didn’t see that coming.

Inside all of us is all the different influences we’ve accumulated and our reactions to the situations vary time and time again because of each new influence. These influences can be from something we’ve read, seen or actually experienced and our brain processes it for later reference.

My character Mairin has been through cancer already and is facing it again so she has past experiences to draw upon in addition to the experiences of the people that were doing a treatment at the same time I felt comfortable using my experiences for some of her reactions with the brain cancer. {No, I didn’t have brain cancer myself. Uterine, esophageal and breast cancer was bad enough. I had the genetic markers done and if I get cancer again it will be my brain so there is an ongoing curiosity as to what is being done in research.)

As the author, I wanted to focus on the legacy left behind when someone passes but as I wrote Mairin began fighting for her life, she didn’t want to die. It was about living now, taking chances and finding a way to live more than creating something special for her loved ones. She resisted on the page and made connecting the dots harder and harder.

I began the story again in the first person with her telling the story which is going a lot easier. I shared one part the other night in my writing group. I was surprised by the different reactions. They varied from you I love it in the first person but it has to be in past tense if you want it published to the imagery was beautiful I felt her struggling with something more than the scene unfolding. A couple of them noted I used metaphors throughout the piece with sun and new beginnings. One reaction I didn’t anticipate which took me back to the page trying to see it as they did. I can’t. The reader’s response was I can’t follow the narrator and it almost feels like a blow by blow sex scene without any emotional connection. Now, I know critiques are subjective and can be taken or tossed to the curb.

I’m at the drawing table again rewriting the scene to share again this week. Please tell me what you think.

The room flooded with a pinkish glow, the curtains stemming the best effort of the sun to conquer my private world. I gazed at his still form with only the gentle rise and fall of the sheet. I caressed his face, lightly, as yet unwilling to wake him.
I loved this time of the day—the radiant color inspired hope. My past and future fears may be strapped to my back, but I didn’t have to see it or feel it. Battling those inner demons that crept beneath the surface, hid in dark corners or boldly danced in broad daylight was a solitary fight.  There’s comfort in knowing, I’m not the only one waging war. I won’t let them intrude upon us. I recalled a quote by Mignon McLaughlin. “We welcome passion, for our mind is briefly let off duty.” I needed to escape too.

The satin sheet barely covered us.  I closed my eyes to allow my imagination free reign before I pulled back the sheet letting the cold air of the early morning kiss Bruce’s naked body.

I turned toward him moved by my subconscious mind and a passion I didn’t fully comprehend. These emotions were all new to me. My fingers traced the length of his back. Downward they spiraled to the soft fullness of his gluteus maximus. I pinched him. He opened his eyes, smiled at me and wiggled away from my wicked fingers. I caressed his chest in slow, circular movements as my fingers continued their path down his body, insistent on my touch.

My eagerness showed as my breath escaped. I’m pleased to see a smile light Bruce’s handsome face. His lips parted, a soft sigh escaped into the air. The rise and fall of his chest quickened as my fingers continued their warm massage upward. I grazed his forehead with my lips pausing to breathe in the scent of his silky silver hair. I massaged his temples as his head moved back and forth with my fingers. I played lightly with his lips. His tongue reached out to tease my fingers. I inhaled sharply as he nuzzled each finger firmly.

I reached for him, a longing I cannot deny. Slowly I climbed upon his body feeling his hardness close the void. I arched my back slightly upward allowing him entrance. Cupping the softness of his face, I was lost in his glazed hazel eyes, but the doctor’s words darkened the moment. Not now. I struggled to focus on us.

‘Exquisite’ I thought as our bodies found a demonic rhythm. Our passions ignited eclipsed the fiery sunrise. Bruce’s strong hands grasped my patootie pulling downward. He wanted control. I smiled, knowing he’s not used to me being assertive but I resisted. I needed to set the pace and burn like the sun. Would nature allow him to answer my desire repeatedly until my thirst for his essence was slaked?  We were quickly slain by my carnal efforts. He looked fantastic as his face contorted in the throes of impending orgasm. A low moan escaped; his eyes closed tightly as if seeing anything would break his concentration. He screamed as my teeth tormented him with each sharp nibble. I smirked as his face smoothed to a glow that signified ecstasy complete. I placed my head on his shoulder before I rolled back on the bed and stole a glimpse of the sky’s glorious colors.  The star I reached for was closer than I thought as we laid feeling the warmth of each other basking in the joy of being together. In the arithmetic of passion, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing but longing. The sun made our naked bodies glisten, Poe’s right the best things in life make us sweaty.  I glanced at his smiling face, and a tear spilled forth as I remembered what lies ahead. The truth was like the sun, you can shut it out briefly but it won’t go away. I can’t, I won’t think about that now.