The Letter C

begins many different words, some make us smile like coffee, or candy or cake or cats. I love my cats very much. Unfortunately, there are some words that fill us with dread like cancer. I’m way to familiar with the word. I’m a three time cancer survivor. My last round was fifteen years ago, long enough for me to feel complacent. Yeah,complacent another c- word that tends to kick us when we least expect it. The first time I was told I had cancer was forty years ago. I truly thought I was past having to worry about cancer especially after doing the cancer preventive drug Tamoxifen for five years.

I’ve been having a lot of issues eating since the beginning of the year. In January, they removed my gallbladder and was assured the discomfort was over. That wasn’t the case. In March, I had an endoscopic procedure to retrieve a wandering stone and a stent was placed to allow the bile duct to recover. This should address the shoulder pain and discomfort eating. Unfortunately, the shoulder pain and discomfort after eating didn’t go away. Last week, they removed the stent and cleared sludge from my bile duct.

Three surgeries in five months and I still have right shoulder pain and discomfort after eating. I thought I asked all the right questions but apparently I hadn’t. Was it because I didn’t want to know the answer or was it because saying it out loud would make it real?

My doctor’s phone call made it real. That damn c-word is in my world again.I’m fortunate that my symptoms all began in January so hopefully time is in my favor. I’ve decided to journal again. I can’t promise it will be consistent. Another c-word that tends to frustrate me because life gets in my way too often.

I tried writing about my feelings after my grandson died here but I found myself at a loss for words. Staring at a computer and crying aren’t exactly productive  time usage. Johnny’s been gone almost a year now. Nothing, we do will bring him back and that’s all we really want. Hopefully, I’ll have more success journaling now then I did then.

A brief digress so this makes sense. I had breast cancer in 2005. My support network was awesome. During my journey, I chose songs to document my feelings. I’m going to do it again. I found it very helpful. Not just for me but the song of the day also helped my friends gauge my feelings without having to ask how I was directly.

My first song is Pink Floyd’s Comfortable Numbness. That’s how I feel numb right now.

 

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