I took my coffee outside this morning, I needed the change of pace from the living room. I relaxed into the patio chair and let my senses control the moment to block my mind from going down the darker path.  The birds chirped with the occasional squawk from a disgruntled one.  He’s probably irritated that I was sitting near one of the feeders, but I wasn’t inclined to give up my seat. I heard the vehicles in the distance on 295. We’re located not far from an exit ramp so I do notice the difference in vehicle speeds and sounds. The sweet smell of moist soil, and the blossoms in bloom soon became apparent once I closed my eyes and allowed myself to simply breathe. It was a clean, fresh and pleasant smell. There’s nothing worse than the smell of ammonia or a rotten smell. If you don’t know it’s an indicator the soil is lacking oxygen. I opened my eyes and observed the glorious colors surrounding me… orange, red, yellow, purple, pink, burgundy, and various shades of green. My flowers are blooming profusely in spite of the lack of rain.  ( I’ve been filling buckets of water to let the chlorine dissipate so they’re not burned by the high doses in our water supply.  Trenton Water is the worst, comes close or may have even surpassed Flint, Michigan on quality so all my veggies are watered with filtered water.)

The neighbor yelling into her phone disrupted my peaceful break. I know she’s elderly but there are times even with the doors and windows shut I can still hear her.  That’s what happens when the neighbors are too damn close. She wished him Happy Father’s Day. I’m not sure how to handle my phone calls today. One son, I can wish him Happy Father’s day but the other son its a horrific reminder of what happened 11 months ago. His son is gone.  I will call them both but the conversations will be entirely different. Then there’s my hubby, his children treated him so badly after his divorce they’re alienated. So he doesn’t need a reminder, either.

It didn’t take long for my thoughts to wander to tomorrow. My doctor’s appointment to get things happening for the good or the bad. Part of me has this urge to simply flee.  I know fear stimulates that fight or flight response but it also forces us into action. Fear makes us pay attention. Fear makes us sit up and take note. I’m tired of keeping a stiff upper lip and pushing forward. I ‘m very aware fear helps us honor our reality. I also know there is no shame in saying I’m afraid because being afraid isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s actually an essential component of courage. Fear and courage allow us to make a leap of faith, despite what terrifies us. But… yeah there is always a dang but… it’s easier said than done. I’ve decided to keep myself busy with mundane tasks so my mind can’t dwell any more on tomorrow. Avoidance works, but so does putting on the stranger’s mask.

“Well, we all have a face that we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone
Some are satin, some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They’re the faces of a stranger
But we’d love to try them on

You may never understand how the stranger is inspired
But he isn’t always evil and he is not always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions
You will never quench the fire
You’ll give in to your desire when the stranger comes along” ~ Billy Joel.

I very seldom let the satin or my silk ones show because being vulnerable is something I don’t allow myself very often after the lessons I had early on in life. My vulnerabilities were capitalized and used to their advantage. I’m not saying all people are like that but unfortunately some are. These days I wear my armor proudly and only slip them off when I am safe with the ones I love. Although, I will admit there have been times when I’ve been fooled by good intentions only to see later that fire should have been heavily doused.

My book purchase about Herbal Remedies, the Healing Power of Plant Medicine by Nicole Apelian and Claude Davis finally arrived so along with the Cancer -Fighting Cookbook I will be helping my body fight this dang letter-c on every level. Never dismiss the ways of the our ancestors, herbs are beneficial in addition to being might tasty.

I did have  fun visitors yesterday, although they did jump me initially. I was watering my lower patio garden area when two bunnies decided to hop out from under the giant hostas. I knew had I had chipmunks but didn’t realize bunnies have no relocated in my yard. I don’t know if they’ll be discouraged as easily by the cinnamon and peppermint as the the chipmunks have been. We’ll see. My green beans and tomato plants have doubled in size since a week ago. My cucumber and pepper plants not so much.  I’m glad my kale, lettuce and basil are really thriving in the rail planters, out of the bunnies and chipmunks reach.

Hopefully, today I finish One of Us is Next. I’ve been struggling to finish it. It simply isn’t holding my attention. I started diyMFA by Gabriela Pereira yesterday. Thus far the approach to a MFA writing mind is something I need to get better doing. I tend to multi-task way too much and put my writing second. I don’t want it second or to be an after-thought as the day ends. I see the value in scheduling my writing consistently.

I’m working on the lower band of my crocheted shirt I’m working on in lion’s brand cotton. It reminds me a lot of the yarn I used all those years ago when I made the doilies for my night stands and kitchen table. I’m glad the pattern didn’t call for one of those small steel hooks because they really annoyed my wrist more than the larger hooks did. It never made sense to me because the repetitious motion is the same regardless of the hook size.

Happy Father’s Day to the Dad’s who do follow me. ❤