#FDDA 11 and letter c day 80

Today’s theme is “your greatest fear.” Is it death? Disease? Ghosts? Someone? Something? Share a story, a poem, a photo, a drawing, some music, or whatever you wish to share about your greatest fear.

https://fivedotoh.com/category/dog-days-of-august/

Death has never frightened me. We begin dying the day we’re born.

“Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” dictionary. com

As a teenager in an alcoholic abusive home, I tried to take my life more than once, the first time with a knife but that action was driven more by frustration than actual desire to die. I was being punished for something I hadn’t done again so I drove the knife repeatedly into my arm in a rage. The second time was done seeking death, I took a slew of mother’s prescription drugs. I came close but ended up getting my stomach pumped in the nick of time.

As an adult I tried to shoot myself because I was tired of the physical and verbal abuse I suffered in my marriage. It’s a good thing I have lousy aim, or we wouldn’t be together now. But I do have a scar to remind me how desperate one can feel.

The First Time

He stood…
Like a pinless grenade
Reeking smell of alcohol

Rage stood…
A shocking verbal tirade
She was just the catch all

Power stood…
His fist like a fusillade
Struck just under her eyeball

She stood…
Stunned and afraid
Tears flowed like a waterfall

Betrayal stood…
Where once was a serenade
Now the silence, hung like an iron wall

These are the times my own hand was involved. I spent a very long time in counseling and  discovered another way to  express my frustration, anger and pain. Poetry gave me a voice.

My health issues involving cancer have frightened me but their not my greatest fear. I see them as inconveniences but they deserve no other recognition than that. I will not succumb to cancer. I’m too damn stubborn. Writing everyday has helped keep me focused.

I’ve helped my sons with their losses of their babies. Painful and heartbreaking but not fearful except for the night my eldest son tried to take his life after the death of his son. It’s not easy being a mom, helpless to ease your child’s pain let alone cope with your own pain because your grandchild is dead. Writing again gave my pain a voice.

I’ve talked with women my age and they fear living alone without their husbands. I love my husband but I don’t fear the time alone until we’re together again. I encouraged them to write before they’re in that situation.

It’s been difficult to really come up with something that meets the criteria for greatest fear because I’m okay with death it’s just a part of my generation’s journey. I do think about what if my mind vanishes because of Alzheimer’s disease but that would be no different than letting the letter c control my life. I can’t think of myself when there are greater concerns.

So, I’m going with global warming. I’m frightened , worried by how quickly the water is rising, and our environment is changing. We’re destroying our homes, our lives, our children and grandchildren and great grandchildren’s futures. I wish I knew how to stop it. It breaks my heart looking in their eyes knowing this earth is on a self destruct course we aren’t going to be able to fix.

Letter c and other medical.

Tomorrow is the blood work, Thursday is the procedures. Monday was supposed to be my nerve block for the migraines but now the appointment is moved to Wednesday. That’s probably my biggest personal gripe about covid, every appointment I’ve had since March has been rescheduled at least once, some two times. But compared to what has happened to other people, it’s not worth getting grumpy about. It is what it is. We’re all making sacrifices on a daily basis.

I chose Sunshine of My Life Earlier because of a good friend and mine and our poetry writing endeavors. I don’t know if you know the background but the group was struggling with writers block when one of the guys was looking out the window and commented it was just before dawn which led to the discussion on what he would rather be doing. Making love with his girl. From that simple conversation, the words flowed and the song rose to stardom.

My friend and I have those great conversations and some times that’s all I or he need, (s) the words come. When you have good friends, family and you’re loved and love in return than fear is simply part of life, how you face it is what truly matters.

 

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