Today, talking with a friend about my first cancer forty years ago. She said you have so much experience that others may find it helpful reading how you addressed your experiences . I hope by writing about my experiences with the letter-c does make a difference.

I had stage 4 cervical cancer. I was also very much pregnant with youngest daughter. The doctor recommended an abortion and followed by the radical hysterectomy.. I support every woman’s right to have an abortion. But with that said, an abortion wasn’t happening. I wanted to carry my baby to term. I saw several doctors before making the  switch to a doctor who genuinely listened to what mattered to me. We proceeded on a different course that would allow me to carry my baby while monitoring the cancer closely. It did spread to my uterus by the time my daughter was born but my life wasn’t in jeopardy because he closely monitored me. My daugher was healthy and beautiful . The radical hysterectomy took place after her birth followed by chemo. until it was determined I was cancer free.

The reason I’m bringing this up is to help individuals who have been recently diagnosed. It is so important that you are proactive in your care. Be up front with your doctor about the things that matter most to you. Cancer is intimidating but simply taking whatever course of treatment without asking for more than one opinion isn’t the best solution. Ask questions. Ask what trials are available? Be your own best advocate. “It is a waste of time not to do the most effective, useful, or important thing you can do.”― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

When I think back that if I had simply followed the first doctor’s recommendation I wouldn’t have my daughter today. Life doesn’t end with cancer you just adapt. Find the doctor who listens and adapts with you. “Life is short, and it’s up to you to make it sweet.”~ Sarah L. (Sadie) Delany

My initial conversation with my doctor this time was while you’re determining what treatment keep in mind that coffee is non-negotiable. He started with objections as doctors like to do but I nipped it right in the bud with my reply there are simple things that I cherish and look forward to daily. My coffee matters to me. He acknowledged my request and is putting a plan together. Now maybe to some people that seems ludicrous but I’m 64 years old and I’ve drank coffee since I was young. My parents gave up trying to make me drink milk and let me have coffee. I have good blood pressure and no heart issues so leave my coffee alone.

I carry a photograph of my husband, my children, my grandchildren, my friends in my mind. They are the reasons why cancer can’t and won’t destroy me.  Which brings me to the song I chose today Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

“Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it’s the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive:.”

Love can heal, loving can mend your soul

We keep these photographs of love
We made these memories for ourselves” ~Ed Sheeran

I enjoyed spending time in the garage with my friend socially distanced watching the rain come down and talking for hours. I’m grateful to have another awesome photograph to carry in my head for when I need it. Thank you Jeanne for today.

“One clear moment, one of trance
One missed step, one perfect dance
One missed shot, one and only chance
Life is all…but one fleeting glance.”~― Sanober Khan

“The world was my oyster but I used the wrong fork.”― Oscar Wilde

Is that why I’m going thru this c- crisis?

Sleep eluded me because my internal alarm clock since I got the diagnosis woke me at 2:00 am again. Cancer concerns are disruptive to all normalcy.   I admit the moon was beautiful glowing in the window across Yeatsie’s body sprawled across the carpet.  He’s my sixteen year old blue tabby. For the life of me, I have no idea why the vet says he’s a blue tabby.  I just know he’s an enjoyable member of our family.

My thoughts returned to a conversation earlier in the day about death. For me death isn’t scary because I’ve already done it once, in a crazy accident in 2007. The warm white beckoned me to go forward. It was so peaceful there I was so tempted but I wondered where Vic was and then I had the sharpest pain ever in my chest with an EMT looming above me as I woke up in an ambulance. My sternum had been broken along with three broken ribs. Needless to say breathing was brutal for a while. I never felt fear. Though I’m glad it wasn’t my time to go.

I’ve thought about death a lot since then. Death happens to us all. It’s the natural progression. What isn’t acceptable to me is suffering before we pass. I’m a firm believer in compassionate suicide. Everyone should die with dignity. It’s sad to me that as a society, we don’t bat an eye putting our pets down so they don’t suffer but insist that our loved ones or even ourselves do suffer.

What brought about the conversation was my previous round with cancer. The chemo made me so sick, I longed for death. I just wanted it to end. I told Vic, that if if cancer recurred I would never do chemo again. I lost weight, my hair, my sense of taste and smell and was exhausted all the time. Fifteen years ago they didn’t have as many options as they do now so hopefully things won’t take me back to that darkness again.

Then, I thought about all the dreams I have still. I want to be married to Vic longer than I was with my first husband. We’re coming up on our 12th wedding anniversary on Halloween, we’re only 18 years shy of that goal.  There are so many places, I hope to see with Vic. Writing that I want to publish. Grandchildren, my children, and my fur babies I adore and want to see their lives evolve.  There’s so many things I want to do with them. I want to finish my mandala afghan and maybe create a second one. I have always wanted to live to one hundred. Imagine being able to say, I’m a centenarian. “This year, the number of centenarians has increased to a new high of around 533,000 worldwide. The United Nations expect that number to rise to approximately 573,000 by 2020. The U.S. has the highest absolute number of centenarians in the world with 72,000 living in the country. Jul 26, 2019″ ~ https://www.statista.com  To me our dreams have validity, regardless of where we’re from.

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”
– C.S. Lewis

I know many of you can relate to the things that matter most to me.  Life is meant to be lived.  Which brings me to my song choice for today by Etta James, Something’s Got a Hold on Me. Just thinking about my goals, my dreams and what motivates me the most definitely brings joy to my step that dang letter c can’t touch. I won’t let it.

Like Etta, I get a good feeling…. a feeling I’ve never had before.
“Let me tell you now … I got a feeling, I feel so strange…. Everything about me seems to have changed.. Step by step, I got a brand new walk… I even sound sweeter when I talk Oh, something’s got a hold on me right now, child (oh, it must be love) ”

Life is a highway, at least that’s what Rascal Flatts said in a song. Sometimes that road feels like it is at an incline that every step feels excruciating to make. Other times it feels like you’re sliding into a bottomless pit and there’s nothing to grab. Today, kinda feels like every step is excruciating. It took a while today to get things back on track. If you watched the movie Cars, then this song is familiar to you.

“Life’s like a road that you travel on
When there’s one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There’s a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won’t haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won’t hesitate to break down the garden gate
There’s not much time left today
Life is a highway
I want to ride it all night long
If you’re going my way
Well, I want to drive it all night long
Through all these cities and all these towns
It’s in my blood and it’s all around
I love you now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hands” Rascal Flatts

The blood results finally came back on the high end of normal which is good but doesn’t change the diagnosis. All it does indicate that the cancer hasn’t reached the stage where protons form. The blood work did confirm my liver is almost functioning at a normal level, still has to drop more but it is better than it was. So hopefully that will continue.

But no sooner than that phone call came another hurdle appeared. In my email, was the cancellation notice of my nerve block. I was hoping to have that prior to the MRI but that’s not the case. Now it is rescheduled after the MRI because of COVID-19 crap. I have chronic migraines and the sound of that machine will be brutal for me. So hence the incline. Nurse practitioner suggested I have them give me pain meds in a iv prior to the procedure. Had to reach out to my gastro doctor to get that scheduled. He was in surgery, someone will call me.

I decided to check my email . Yup, another situation to handle. UPS messed up my coffee delivery. It says it was delivered to the front door. Well, it wasn’t at our front door. Hopefully, they fix that issue before I need coffee.  Thankfully, I have one bag of beans in the cupboard. I reached out to Death Wish so they know it wasn’t delivered to the right address. GRRRR.. this girl loves coffee. A Lyn without coffee is not a pleasant experience.

Today, does have one awesome redeeming thing. Twenty years ago on this day I posted a question in a yahoo writing group.  This man answered my question and we began conversing online then on the phone before we finally met in person. I never knew anyone like him. I am truly blessed because that same man is now my husband and my best friend. I never sought a relationship online but it happened anyway. He’s been my strongest advocate through everything.

Vic was my caretaker during the breast cancer. Thankfully things got better but that changed 5 years later with another life changer. He had to leave his job in NYC after I fell  on the ice and damaged the occiptital nerve which resulted in occipital neuralgia because I required some one to be with me.  He argued adamantly to get my doctor to send me to Jefferson’s Head Trauma center where the focus was head injuries.

This is a distinct type of headache characterized by piercing, throbbing, or electric-shock-like chronic pain in the upper neck, back of the head, and behind the ears, usually on one side of the head. Typically, the pain of occipital begins in the neck and then spreads upwards. It gets so bad that the migraine mimics a stroke. My face sags, I can’t speak and I lose the movement of my right side. That’s why the nerve blocks and the Botox injections are crucial. Timing is everything. I’ve been in this treatment plan now for eleven years. Hospitalized five times because it was so bad they thought I was having a stroke. Cat scan didn’t show stroke, cardiologist said my heart was in really good shape with no blockages.  Everyone consulted cleared me except for the neurologist. The migraines were the issue.  My husband and Jen my neurologist work well together when the migraines spiral. Thank goodness with the treatment regime it’s not a daily event now.

I did some yard work before it became too warm. I pruned the azaleas now that they’re past blooming. By the look of the upcoming weather, I’ll be watering every night to help the garden stay healthy. The temperatures are in the high 80’s to mid 90’s every day for the next week. It definitely looks and feels like summer has arrived.

I ‘m reading Langston Hughes Not Without Laughter. The story is about an African-American boy growing up in a very white Kansas town.  Unfortunately, the racial tension he lived in could easily be now too. It’s so disheartening that racism exists still. Why is it so hard to accept Black Lives Matter.  Think about it…Adam and Eve according to the Bible, just 2 people. We’re all related. Our lives began from those 2 people.

I’m working on the writing prompt exercises in Writing the Life Poetic by Sage Cohen.  And I listen to lectures on Great Courses as well to improve essay writing. Trying to keep this mind active on positive things.

I haven’t decided what crochet project I should begin next. I wrapped my shawl around for a while last night. It’s very comforting. I should probably return to working on my mandala afghan, that’s not done yet.

Right now it’s four feet around. The goal is to have it cover a queen size bed. My intent is to get it to a six foot or maybe a seven foot circle and then begin squaring the corners to make it the right shape for the bed. I’ll be able to tell which size once I can lay it on the bed. It’s so very warm already, can’t wait to have it on our bed.

Last night’s vivid moon and I spent quality time together thinking about life in general after a short snooze. Things I wish I could undo or do differently. No different than you when in an introspective mood. That’s why I chose today’s song Hurt. I prefer Johnny Cash’s version versus the original version by Trent Reznor.  Introspection is good for the soul even if you’re not trying to cope with the letter-c.

“Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here”~ Johnny Cash

I woke this morning with Macavity nestled between my curled legs and Yeatsie at the lower end of the bed by Vic’s feet. I decided to watch them for a bit before stirring because it’s not often they’re both on the bed together. Macavity’s jealousy gets in the way. It saddens me that after all this time, he still feels so insecure.

I finished my healing shawl last night. I decided to add charcoal gray as the border. I’m really pleased with the results. It’s lighter than my pink shawl that I took with me during chemo last time so depending on the weather I’ll be prepared. My body was always so focused on fighting the chemicals inside me I could never get warm after so my shawls came in immensely handy during the treatment stage.

I can’t say it matches my bathrobe but physical appearances aren’t really important when it comes to the bigger picture.

I prepared cabbage, cauliflower and zucchini with olive oil, Italian seasoning and black pepper for Vic to grill last night while I made scrambled eggs. It tasted so delicious. Vic didn’t even complain that the majority of our meal was veggies.  I made vanilla biscuits for strawberry shortcake for dessert. I can’t believe in all the time Vic and I have been together I hadn’t made us strawberry shortcake. He loved it. ❤

I’m not a whipped creme fan, I prefer the biscuits immediately out of the oven with the strawberries with the sugar glaze on top. The sauce immediately soaks into the biscuit. Yummy!  The pain was so worth the enjoyment. I refuse to give up all of my enjoyment of food. I have modified a lot of my choices so I don’t suffer for hours on end.