All the appointments are scheduled, now it’s just waiting again which is challenging for this proactive woman. I remember the first time I was introduced to cancer was in 1980. I had stage 4 cervical cancer but I was also pregnant with my daughter. My doctor at the time immediately wanted to do an abortion and then a radical hysterectomy. No abortion for me. I’ll support any woman’s right to make a choice but personally that wasn’t my choice. I changed doctors because I wanted a doctor that was willing to put what mattered most first which was carrying my baby to term than addressing cancer. It wasn’t a priority in my life then nor can it be now. That doesn’t mean I’m dismissing the risks, it just means that I have things that matter that need first priority. I could have easily gone in reactive mode instead I chose proactive. I became my strongest advocate.

It’s  so easy to be focused on living in the daytime. I’m writing, gardening, reading, crocheting, and cooking. All things that I love to do. I’ve begun a healing shawl, crocheting each stitch with intent that this battle will be won easily at this point in the game. I’m living every day like it maybe my last even though I know it’s not.

The challenge lies when I lie down at night, and all the nagging doubts surface. I need this cancer scare to go away which is why I chose this song today. I’m not feeling insecure in my relationship with Vic or my family. It’s more about seeing them without me that disrupts my sleep. All the what if’s?

I had the genetic testing done in 2005, the determination at the time was based on the path my cancers had already taken that brain cancer would be next. So that dark piece has always loomed beneath the surface. I’ve done a reasonably good job of not letting it diminish my everyday. This circumstance caught me by surprise rocking my comfort zone. Those c words again, circumstance, caught, comfort, challenges and cancer are making demands when in truth I would rather make the world go away.

Background on this song.  I heard a lot as a child. My father worked nights so in the evening after my siblings and I were sent to bed my mother would play Eddy Arnold and Jim Reeves on the stereo. She would sing along. Even as a child, I could hear the unhappiness in her voice. Their marriage wasn’t a happy one for either one of them, both buried themselves in booze and songs of unhappiness.  Neither of them were proactive about their needs, they wallowed in drunken woe is me.

Deny the Demon © Lyn Crain

Ever consider how many times spirals or circles exist in our lives  Like for instance, in our DNA, the galaxies, in a coiled tendril of a vine, or even the tracery of a fingerprint. Circles, so many different incidences around us all the time but like most minute details simply taken for granted. until a chain of events occurs and we question why.

Think about a spiral for a second, it begins at one point and moves onward in a smooth and steady spinning around and around creating circles. Life at times feels like we run in circles and we can’t get out of the spiral. If only every circle was as beautiful as a coiled tendril of a vine or the sparkling stars above us in the galaxy we call the Milky Way.

I did have my DNA done, my family history took place in Wales, Scotland, Ireland, England, and Norway. I was raised to believe I was French and Irish. French was missing in my DNA. No real surprise. Its one more lie among many.

I often study the tips of my fingers and wonder what stories my tiny circle cells would share and what they would hide from prying eyes after I pass. I know its harder to hide the creases in my fingers embedded with dirt. I’m not ashamed to say it’s typical for this time of year. So Thanatos if you’re looming forget it, I’m not done yet.

I’ve never lost my passion for working in the soil, helping mother nature nurture her circle , Earth. My carbon footprint matters immensely to me. If only everyone would feel the same especially after seeing the pictures of the beach in Scarborough In the UK. That was disgusting. I feel ashamed that this is an example of the human condition on Earth. We’re taught that we’re superior beings because we evolved but in reality the animals don’t damage the environment as humans do.

As beautiful as a rose bloom is, we’re reminded that beauty often comes with pain. In this incidence quite prickly and painful.  Mother Nature believes it’s a necessary lesson so we appreciate how blessed we truly are. Which brings me to the other sharp and prickly attack of my day. A simple envelope…

The envelope from Cooper with the scripts for my tests decided to slice my finger. Maybe, another reminder that warriors are frequently wounded but keep going. Once I squelched the blood I looked at the forms my doctor sent with the necessary pre-certifications from the insurance company.   Finally, I have the phone numbers to call to set the appointments in place. This hurry up and wait game is mentally challenging. My merry-go-round of uncertainty has a destination now in this spiral of life instead of feeling like the water spiraling down a dark drain into a watery grave.

I couldn’t resist studying the night sky, hoping for a shooting star….

And my spiral has a central axis…

Nerve block this morning went as expected except for the fact we didn’t calculate the travel time for these times. We left two hours prior to the appointment as usual but arrived one hour prior to the appointment. Oh well. Not like I have any pressing commitments.

No temperature check today, so they’re relaxing a bit. Face mask and hand sanitizer available on table before you can proceed upstairs. Upstairs, a receptionist checks you in and gestures you to the chairs labeled where you can sit and where you can’t to keep us socially distanced. My doctor took me in early, actually before her first appointment so everything worked out well except I probably interrupted her coffee time.

I don’t know about you but I’m so over the word socially distanced. Times like now are when I really miss embraces from my close friends. I have always found comfort in being able to just lay my head briefly against their shoulder and know in that moment I’m not alone. Comfort is an enjoyable c-word especially when it comes from close friends and family.

This world is different for all of us but what concerns me is how this cancer treatment plan will differ from the previous cancer experiences I’ve had.  During those times, I was blessed with compassionate nurses that didn’t look like they stepped off a space ship with face shields, gloves and paper suits that crinkle with every move. That’s what my doctor looked like today with the nerve block… face mask,  hair covering, plastic shield, crinkly coverall and gloves. I could barely see her eyes. No comfort visible.

My song feels appropriate today with What’s Up? Both versions are awesome!  I feel like screaming too! I need normalcy in this damn world so I can focus on beating c.

I began this writing journey with the Letter C, capitalized but I’ll be damned if I give the word cancer or even the letter c high priority in my emotional being. My emotions are candid but not ever carp. That’s not my nature either. I’m just choosing to go a path of certitude with the love of my life.

Last night was my first introduction in food reaction since they removed my gallbladder. I wasn’t expecting my body’s reaction to the Cauliflower Au Gratin. Yup, another c word got my attention very rapidly with a mad dash to the bathroom and a very potent smelling excrement. Cheese is one of the foods they list as a cautious food because it is fatty and without the added enzymes from your gallbladder the pancreas isn’t able to process it the way it needs.

As some of you know I’m a huge cheese fan, probably right behind my love of coffee. I’ve had grilled cheese sandwiches and macaroni and cheese with no reaction so this caught me unexpectedly. This is first time I’ve had gryuere cheese since the surgery. The Cauliflower Au Gratin was amazing with the cheese, nutmeg, and garlic bread crumbs. It complimented the grilled salmon so nicely.

It was reminder that I will need to consider what foods I choose to eat in public once this pandemic ends. It also reminded me that my dietary choices cannot continue as they have, my future has different needs.

Yesterday, my day was overall peaceful. I finished reading Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller, I highly recommend the book.  Vic and I sat on the deck for a while, each reading our own books in the afternoon sun until the neighbor’s voice became too much. He was entertaining and their voices escalated into our quiet space. I enjoyed  having the normalcy with Vic.

Vic and I are both avid readers, we both love writing and that shared passion has been our rock through many difficult times. I’m sure it will carry us through the times ahead as well.

Which leads me to my song choice of the day. I chose More Than Words by Extreme because I am truly blessed to have Vic in my life. I never knew how wonderful love could be until him. He shows me everyday in so many ways more than words.