“The world was my oyster but I used the wrong fork.”― Oscar Wilde

Is that why I’m going thru this c- crisis?

Sleep eluded me because my internal alarm clock since I got the diagnosis woke me at 2:00 am again. Cancer concerns are disruptive to all normalcy.   I admit the moon was beautiful glowing in the window across Yeatsie’s body sprawled across the carpet.  He’s my sixteen year old blue tabby. For the life of me, I have no idea why the vet says he’s a blue tabby.  I just know he’s an enjoyable member of our family.

My thoughts returned to a conversation earlier in the day about death. For me death isn’t scary because I’ve already done it once, in a crazy accident in 2007. The warm white beckoned me to go forward. It was so peaceful there I was so tempted but I wondered where Vic was and then I had the sharpest pain ever in my chest with an EMT looming above me as I woke up in an ambulance. My sternum had been broken along with three broken ribs. Needless to say breathing was brutal for a while. I never felt fear. Though I’m glad it wasn’t my time to go.

I’ve thought about death a lot since then. Death happens to us all. It’s the natural progression. What isn’t acceptable to me is suffering before we pass. I’m a firm believer in compassionate suicide. Everyone should die with dignity. It’s sad to me that as a society, we don’t bat an eye putting our pets down so they don’t suffer but insist that our loved ones or even ourselves do suffer.

What brought about the conversation was my previous round with cancer. The chemo made me so sick, I longed for death. I just wanted it to end. I told Vic, that if if cancer recurred I would never do chemo again. I lost weight, my hair, my sense of taste and smell and was exhausted all the time. Fifteen years ago they didn’t have as many options as they do now so hopefully things won’t take me back to that darkness again.

Then, I thought about all the dreams I have still. I want to be married to Vic longer than I was with my first husband. We’re coming up on our 12th wedding anniversary on Halloween, we’re only 18 years shy of that goal.  There are so many places, I hope to see with Vic. Writing that I want to publish. Grandchildren, my children, and my fur babies I adore and want to see their lives evolve.  There’s so many things I want to do with them. I want to finish my mandala afghan and maybe create a second one. I have always wanted to live to one hundred. Imagine being able to say, I’m a centenarian. “This year, the number of centenarians has increased to a new high of around 533,000 worldwide. The United Nations expect that number to rise to approximately 573,000 by 2020. The U.S. has the highest absolute number of centenarians in the world with 72,000 living in the country. Jul 26, 2019″ ~ https://www.statista.com  To me our dreams have validity, regardless of where we’re from.

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”
– C.S. Lewis

I know many of you can relate to the things that matter most to me.  Life is meant to be lived.  Which brings me to my song choice for today by Etta James, Something’s Got a Hold on Me. Just thinking about my goals, my dreams and what motivates me the most definitely brings joy to my step that dang letter c can’t touch. I won’t let it.

Like Etta, I get a good feeling…. a feeling I’ve never had before.
“Let me tell you now … I got a feeling, I feel so strange…. Everything about me seems to have changed.. Step by step, I got a brand new walk… I even sound sweeter when I talk Oh, something’s got a hold on me right now, child (oh, it must be love) ”

Life is a highway, at least that’s what Rascal Flatts said in a song. Sometimes that road feels like it is at an incline that every step feels excruciating to make. Other times it feels like you’re sliding into a bottomless pit and there’s nothing to grab. Today, kinda feels like every step is excruciating. It took a while today to get things back on track. If you watched the movie Cars, then this song is familiar to you.

“Life’s like a road that you travel on
When there’s one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There’s a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won’t haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won’t hesitate to break down the garden gate
There’s not much time left today
Life is a highway
I want to ride it all night long
If you’re going my way
Well, I want to drive it all night long
Through all these cities and all these towns
It’s in my blood and it’s all around
I love you now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hands” Rascal Flatts

The blood results finally came back on the high end of normal which is good but doesn’t change the diagnosis. All it does indicate that the cancer hasn’t reached the stage where protons form. The blood work did confirm my liver is almost functioning at a normal level, still has to drop more but it is better than it was. So hopefully that will continue.

But no sooner than that phone call came another hurdle appeared. In my email, was the cancellation notice of my nerve block. I was hoping to have that prior to the MRI but that’s not the case. Now it is rescheduled after the MRI because of COVID-19 crap. I have chronic migraines and the sound of that machine will be brutal for me. So hence the incline. Nurse practitioner suggested I have them give me pain meds in a iv prior to the procedure. Had to reach out to my gastro doctor to get that scheduled. He was in surgery, someone will call me.

I decided to check my email . Yup, another situation to handle. UPS messed up my coffee delivery. It says it was delivered to the front door. Well, it wasn’t at our front door. Hopefully, they fix that issue before I need coffee.  Thankfully, I have one bag of beans in the cupboard. I reached out to Death Wish so they know it wasn’t delivered to the right address. GRRRR.. this girl loves coffee. A Lyn without coffee is not a pleasant experience.

Today, does have one awesome redeeming thing. Twenty years ago on this day I posted a question in a yahoo writing group.  This man answered my question and we began conversing online then on the phone before we finally met in person. I never knew anyone like him. I am truly blessed because that same man is now my husband and my best friend. I never sought a relationship online but it happened anyway. He’s been my strongest advocate through everything.

Vic was my caretaker during the breast cancer. Thankfully things got better but that changed 5 years later with another life changer. He had to leave his job in NYC after I fell  on the ice and damaged the occiptital nerve which resulted in occipital neuralgia because I required some one to be with me.  He argued adamantly to get my doctor to send me to Jefferson’s Head Trauma center where the focus was head injuries.

This is a distinct type of headache characterized by piercing, throbbing, or electric-shock-like chronic pain in the upper neck, back of the head, and behind the ears, usually on one side of the head. Typically, the pain of occipital begins in the neck and then spreads upwards. It gets so bad that the migraine mimics a stroke. My face sags, I can’t speak and I lose the movement of my right side. That’s why the nerve blocks and the Botox injections are crucial. Timing is everything. I’ve been in this treatment plan now for eleven years. Hospitalized five times because it was so bad they thought I was having a stroke. Cat scan didn’t show stroke, cardiologist said my heart was in really good shape with no blockages.  Everyone consulted cleared me except for the neurologist. The migraines were the issue.  My husband and Jen my neurologist work well together when the migraines spiral. Thank goodness with the treatment regime it’s not a daily event now.

I did some yard work before it became too warm. I pruned the azaleas now that they’re past blooming. By the look of the upcoming weather, I’ll be watering every night to help the garden stay healthy. The temperatures are in the high 80’s to mid 90’s every day for the next week. It definitely looks and feels like summer has arrived.

I ‘m reading Langston Hughes Not Without Laughter. The story is about an African-American boy growing up in a very white Kansas town.  Unfortunately, the racial tension he lived in could easily be now too. It’s so disheartening that racism exists still. Why is it so hard to accept Black Lives Matter.  Think about it…Adam and Eve according to the Bible, just 2 people. We’re all related. Our lives began from those 2 people.

I’m working on the writing prompt exercises in Writing the Life Poetic by Sage Cohen.  And I listen to lectures on Great Courses as well to improve essay writing. Trying to keep this mind active on positive things.

I haven’t decided what crochet project I should begin next. I wrapped my shawl around for a while last night. It’s very comforting. I should probably return to working on my mandala afghan, that’s not done yet.

Right now it’s four feet around. The goal is to have it cover a queen size bed. My intent is to get it to a six foot or maybe a seven foot circle and then begin squaring the corners to make it the right shape for the bed. I’ll be able to tell which size once I can lay it on the bed. It’s so very warm already, can’t wait to have it on our bed.

Last night’s vivid moon and I spent quality time together thinking about life in general after a short snooze. Things I wish I could undo or do differently. No different than you when in an introspective mood. That’s why I chose today’s song Hurt. I prefer Johnny Cash’s version versus the original version by Trent Reznor.  Introspection is good for the soul even if you’re not trying to cope with the letter-c.

“Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here”~ Johnny Cash

I woke this morning with Macavity nestled between my curled legs and Yeatsie at the lower end of the bed by Vic’s feet. I decided to watch them for a bit before stirring because it’s not often they’re both on the bed together. Macavity’s jealousy gets in the way. It saddens me that after all this time, he still feels so insecure.

I finished my healing shawl last night. I decided to add charcoal gray as the border. I’m really pleased with the results. It’s lighter than my pink shawl that I took with me during chemo last time so depending on the weather I’ll be prepared. My body was always so focused on fighting the chemicals inside me I could never get warm after so my shawls came in immensely handy during the treatment stage.

I can’t say it matches my bathrobe but physical appearances aren’t really important when it comes to the bigger picture.

I prepared cabbage, cauliflower and zucchini with olive oil, Italian seasoning and black pepper for Vic to grill last night while I made scrambled eggs. It tasted so delicious. Vic didn’t even complain that the majority of our meal was veggies.  I made vanilla biscuits for strawberry shortcake for dessert. I can’t believe in all the time Vic and I have been together I hadn’t made us strawberry shortcake. He loved it. ❤

I’m not a whipped creme fan, I prefer the biscuits immediately out of the oven with the strawberries with the sugar glaze on top. The sauce immediately soaks into the biscuit. Yummy!  The pain was so worth the enjoyment. I refuse to give up all of my enjoyment of food. I have modified a lot of my choices so I don’t suffer for hours on end.

And the waiting continues for the next step in gathering all the information needed to battle c. My healing shawl looks beautiful thus far if I do say so myself. I’m really pleased with the dusty purple, pink, cream and gray combination. I feel good as I crochet each row and I think that’s an important part of the process, feeling happy. The pink is especially comforting to me because it was Johnny’s favorite color.

I miss you so much, Johnny. Yesterday, the chimes shuddered and clanged a lot in the wind.  I recalled the time you made every one of my chimes ring so you could hear each individual sound. You were surprised how many chimes I had and the stories behind some of them. You were surprised when I told you about the ones I had outside at the old house in Maine. One on each side of the house so when they chimed I knew what direction the wind was coming because they had distinct sounds. You know thought that was a great idea. I loved the chime that announced the north wind the best because of its tone but not because I loved the cold. The cold never fazed you. Me I’ve become more of a hot house flower as I age. Just so you know, when I was your age I didn’t mind the temperatures either.

Your Dad is busier than ever with your construction company. He can’t find enough men to man all the jobs he has lined up. He really misses your energy and enthusiasm so much. Jacob doesn’t seem to have the same interest in carpentry as you did at his age. Dad said, you were always getting involved in whatever project was happening.

The thunderstorms were interesting yesterday. The wind knocked over trees and the water rippled like ocean waves down the driveway for about an hour. Then the sun returned like nothing has happened. There were lots of power outages around us but we were fortunately blessed to not have any disruptions.

It took me a while this morning to clean up the driveway and front steps. My beautiful rose bushes lost many of their petals in the storm. I swept up the spent petals and added them to my compost bin before the lawn maintenance guys came around with those big gas powered leaf blowers and blew them into the garage. I’m still at a loss why they walk up the driveway blowing the debris toward the houses but they do. Anyway, the garage didn’t get covered in rose petals today.

Macavity ate the bloom I picked and brought inside. That silly boy has a rose fetish. If only he would eat his wet food with as much enthusiasm. Cats!

I finished the End of Everything by Megan Abbott yesterday. I’m going to post my review on Goodreads this afternoon. I’ve made a good dent in my pledged reading goal thus far. I said I would read twenty five books in 2020, thus far I have read fourteen and I have six months to go.

I chose Guns and Roses’ Patience to remind me that I need to be. Like the lyric in the song, sometimes I get so tense because I can’t speed up time.  We’ve talked about this before I’m not patient. Everyone assures me it will be alright. There are times that I want to scream at them … “It’s not your body with this damn disease inside trying to steal your life! Don’t tell me it will be alright. Patience! Fuck Patience! ”