Letter-c Day 5

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Nerve block this morning went as expected except for the fact we didn’t calculate the travel time for these times. We left two hours prior to the appointment as usual but arrived one hour prior to the appointment. Oh well. Not like I have any pressing commitments.

No temperature check today, so they’re relaxing a bit. Face mask and hand sanitizer available on table before you can proceed upstairs. Upstairs, a receptionist checks you in and gestures you to the chairs labeled where you can sit and where you can’t to keep us socially distanced. My doctor took me in early, actually before her first appointment so everything worked out well except I probably interrupted her coffee time.

I don’t know about you but I’m so over the word socially distanced. Times like now are when I really miss embraces from my close friends. I have always found comfort in being able to just lay my head briefly against their shoulder and know in that moment I’m not alone. Comfort is an enjoyable c-word especially when it comes from close friends and family.

This world is different for all of us but what concerns me is how this cancer treatment plan will differ from the previous cancer experiences I’ve had.  During those times, I was blessed with compassionate nurses that didn’t look like they stepped off a space ship with face shields, gloves and paper suits that crinkle with every move. That’s what my doctor looked like today with the nerve block… face mask,  hair covering, plastic shield, crinkly coverall and gloves. I could barely see her eyes. No comfort visible.

My song feels appropriate today with What’s Up? Both versions are awesome!  I feel like screaming too! I need normalcy in this damn world so I can focus on beating c.

Letter- c Day 4

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I began this writing journey with the Letter C, capitalized but I’ll be damned if I give the word cancer or even the letter c high priority in my emotional being. My emotions are candid but not ever carp. That’s not my nature either. I’m just choosing to go a path of certitude with the love of my life.

Last night was my first introduction in food reaction since they removed my gallbladder. I wasn’t expecting my body’s reaction to the Cauliflower Au Gratin. Yup, another c word got my attention very rapidly with a mad dash to the bathroom and a very potent smelling excrement. Cheese is one of the foods they list as a cautious food because it is fatty and without the added enzymes from your gallbladder the pancreas isn’t able to process it the way it needs.

As some of you know I’m a huge cheese fan, probably right behind my love of coffee. I’ve had grilled cheese sandwiches and macaroni and cheese with no reaction so this caught me unexpectedly. This is first time I’ve had gryuere cheese since the surgery. The Cauliflower Au Gratin was amazing with the cheese, nutmeg, and garlic bread crumbs. It complimented the grilled salmon so nicely.

It was reminder that I will need to consider what foods I choose to eat in public once this pandemic ends. It also reminded me that my dietary choices cannot continue as they have, my future has different needs.

Yesterday, my day was overall peaceful. I finished reading Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller, I highly recommend the book.  Vic and I sat on the deck for a while, each reading our own books in the afternoon sun until the neighbor’s voice became too much. He was entertaining and their voices escalated into our quiet space. I enjoyed  having the normalcy with Vic.

Vic and I are both avid readers, we both love writing and that shared passion has been our rock through many difficult times. I’m sure it will carry us through the times ahead as well.

Which leads me to my song choice of the day. I chose More Than Words by Extreme because I am truly blessed to have Vic in my life. I never knew how wonderful love could be until him. He shows me everyday in so many ways more than words.

 

Letter c day 3

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The word correlation, another c-word that comes to mind when I think about the past year. Continuous stress played a prominent factor in my world. Johnny died, than Derek and Ian.  When Johnny died in that fluke dirt bike accident, my world shattered. It didn’t take rocket science to realize how fragile life really is. I watched my eldest son struggle with the loss of his son. We almost lost him too. I was so scared all the time.  I watched my other son relive the losses of his own babies. No grandmother, mom sees their future standing beside their babies as they bury their babies.  Life is cruel.

The nightmare continued with first Derek’s suicide and then a very short time later Ian’s.  I had known both these boys since they began school. I was their bus driver. I  never dreamed that I would also be a part of their lives when it ended.

The emotional roller coaster took us all on a path filled with darkness and despair as this gloomy cloud of death shrouded us all.

Collective memories helped us find our way but at what price. That’s where correlation came in my contemplative state. Our bodies aren’t intended to handle chronic stress without some kind of reaction. Stress has a profound affect upon how our body functions.  Maybe this is a wake up call that I need to change my focus.

Choose… today, I made you a lower case c,  because I will not let you ruin my life.

My song today is by Tracy Chapman, Give Me One Good Reason. I’m blessed I have many good reasons.

 

Letter C day 2

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I woke many times during the night. I listened to the sounds of the night before the pitter- patter of the rain began in the early morning hours. So it makes sense that Otis Redding’s Sitting on the Dock of the Bay. Contemplation about the journey ahead and the journeys behind me. “Contemplation seems to be about the only luxury that costs nothing.” ― Dodie Smith.  My life appears to be dwelling with the different letter-c’s.

Now is the time to ponder before the tests and treatment plan begins. Cancer requires you to be totally in to the game. Half-efforts and denial aren’t productive in life or with cancer.  “Never hide things from hardcore thinkers. They get more aggravated, more provoked by confusion than the most painful truths.” Criss Jami.  I’m lucky my doctor understood this part of my nature.  He gave it to me straight.

I’m a firm believer that knowledge is power. Muddy water, let stand, becomes clear.” ― Lao Tzu

 

The Letter C

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begins many different words, some make us smile like coffee, or candy or cake or cats. I love my cats very much. Unfortunately, there are some words that fill us with dread like cancer. I’m way to familiar with the word. I’m a three time cancer survivor. My last round was fifteen years ago, long enough for me to feel complacent. Yeah,complacent another c- word that tends to kick us when we least expect it. The first time I was told I had cancer was forty years ago. I truly thought I was past having to worry about cancer especially after doing the cancer preventive drug Tamoxifen for five years.

I’ve been having a lot of issues eating since the beginning of the year. In January, they removed my gallbladder and was assured the discomfort was over. That wasn’t the case. In March, I had an endoscopic procedure to retrieve a wandering stone and a stent was placed to allow the bile duct to recover. This should address the shoulder pain and discomfort eating. Unfortunately, the shoulder pain and discomfort after eating didn’t go away. Last week, they removed the stent and cleared sludge from my bile duct.

Three surgeries in five months and I still have right shoulder pain and discomfort after eating. I thought I asked all the right questions but apparently I hadn’t. Was it because I didn’t want to know the answer or was it because saying it out loud would make it real?

My doctor’s phone call made it real. That damn c-word is in my world again.I’m fortunate that my symptoms all began in January so hopefully time is in my favor. I’ve decided to journal again. I can’t promise it will be consistent. Another c-word that tends to frustrate me because life gets in my way too often.

I tried writing about my feelings after my grandson died here but I found myself at a loss for words. Staring at a computer and crying aren’t exactly productive  time usage. Johnny’s been gone almost a year now. Nothing, we do will bring him back and that’s all we really want. Hopefully, I’ll have more success journaling now then I did then.

A brief digress so this makes sense. I had breast cancer in 2005. My support network was awesome. During my journey, I chose songs to document my feelings. I’m going to do it again. I found it very helpful. Not just for me but the song of the day also helped my friends gauge my feelings without having to ask how I was directly.

My first song is Pink Floyd’s Comfortable Numbness. That’s how I feel numb right now.

 

Letter-2

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Dear Johnny,

2020 isn’t beginning as I hoped. I went and got the flu shot on Tuesday the 7th. On Wednesday, I came down with what I thought was the flu. I vomited for twenty four hours and nothing I did would stop it. Thursday, the ninth I called the doctor and he insisted I come in. He immediately ruled out the flu. He checked my stomach and sent me immediately to the hospital. Yup, Gramma went grumbling the whole way. I did briefly consider blowing the doctor off because he’s always such a worry wart.

Too make a long story short. I had acute pancreatitis and my duct was blocked with a gall stone. I got to spend quality time in the hospital, on a liquid IV diet until they operated on Monday. I got another battle scar about the size of the one you had on your leg.

Remember how impatient you were to open your tools that you had just gotten at Home Depot with your Dad. That box cutter was sharper than you expected, wasn’t it. I still remember how upset Jacob was that you passed out seeing your own blood. You didn’t like the hospital anymore than I do. Necessary evils, that you and I tried our dangest to avoid.

Jacob had his first wrestling match this weekend. He doesn’t have your grasp of the mat yet. He laid there while the boy was holding him down and didn’t resist. He seemed comfortable in the pictures, your Dad sent me. I am so proud of your Dad. He was coaching Jacob at the meet.

I’m not ready to go to wrestling matches yet. My stomach knotted right up just looking at Jacob. Wrestling was always your thing. You were really good on the mat, Johnny. I haven’t been able to look at all of your wrestling pictures yet.

Do you remember that match when you were young like Jacob against the girl and you lost the match? You were so mad you lost, especially since your opponent was a girl. You never let that happen again, did you?

You’re great grandfather died on January 10th while I was in the hospital. The memorial service is in May. It’s been along time since I’ve been back to Vermont.  He had breathing issues for a long time, his death wasn’t a shock like yours was. My father was 83. He would have been proud of your carpentry skills. My father loved working with wood like your Dad and you.

We love you and miss you so much, Johnny.

 

Background and 1st letter

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On July 1, 2019, we were driving back from a visit with my mother-in-law when we received a phone call from my oldest son. That phone call changed our life drastically.  Our thirteen year old grandson was dead. He died in a fluke accident on his dirt bike.

Johnny wasn’t new to dirt-biking but he was new to this bike, he had gotten the bigger bike the day before and this was his first time riding it. The anguish in my son’s voice still haunts me today. We all went through the motions, the arrangements,  and the funeral.  The community turned out in droves. It was awesome seeing all the people that my grandson touched in his short life.

There was tribute football game for him as a fundraiser for the scholarship that’s been established in his name. His teammates played their hearts out on the field, and wept in the locker room as the realization finally hit home. Johnny wouldn’t ever be there again.

Over time, people go on with their lives. But it’s not as easy for the family to simply jump back into normal routines. Nothing is the same as it was.  As a grandparent, your role is definitely different because you have to be strong to help your child get through the horrendous loss of their child. As a mom, you want to make everything all right again. But this isn’t something you can fix or change. It’s every parents worse nightmare, seeing their child in so much pain that you forget you’re in pain too!  You lost someone precious too! But no one really asks how you are?  I’m blessed to have friends that do.

So many people have nudged me to write, to do something … anything. I’ve scribbled in my journal and blogged randomly but nothing has inspired me. I’ve crocheted a lot recently just to be busy. It helped me get through the holidays. But my wrist isn’t thrilled with the repetitious motion. A friend of mine on Writing. com offered a suggestion that hit a chord with me in a way I didn’t expect.  She suggested I write letters to my grandson, tell him all the things I feel and wished I had the opportunity to say.  Initially, I resisted but the seed was planted.

I decided to take her suggestion and write letters to my grandson for a year. Fifty-two letters to Johnny, all the things I wished we had time to say.

Dear Johnny,

It’s been five months since you died. We’ve cried a million tears since that day. Who knew the words in the song you loved would hit home so hard. “The sharp knife of a short life” from the song If I Die Young by The Band Perry. I found your liking of the song odd when you told me but now I’m wondering if you knew your time here would be short. “Funny, when your dead how people start listenin”

Did you think I didn’t listen enough? I’ve spent a lot of time wondering that. Did I listen to you? Did I listen enough to your Dad?  I wish I had more than I did…  I’m trying to now.

If I Die Young
The Band Perry  (the song was written by Kimberly Perry)
“If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh uh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when
She stands under my colours, oh and
Life ain’t always what you think it oughta be, no
Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life,
Well, I’ve had just enough time
If I die young bury me in satin.
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life,
Well I’ve had just enough time
And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin’ of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life,
Well I’ve had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh (uh oh)
The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ’em in your pocket
Save ’em for a time when your really gonna need ’em oh
The sharp knife of a short life,
Well I’ve had just enough time
So put on your best boys, and I’ll wear my pearls”
Love, Grammy

The Doe and I

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She glanced timidly
left and right
never letting me
out of her sight

Her soft brown eyes
lowered each time
I tried to lock hers
with mine

I think she hoped
I’d move a long
but I was drawn to her
like a lyric in a song

She looked terrified
teetering in place
like the moon trying
to outshine the sun in space.

Wiccan Series

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Part 8
Last year, I grabbed The Witching Hour by Silver Ravenwolf while I was at Barnes and Noble. Interesting book, if you haven’t read it, lots of practical advice in simple laymen terms.
 
I don’t know about you but nothing irritates me more than when an author pulls out these fancy smancy words and I have to grab a dictionary to read their book.
 
Okay, I’ll quit wandering off topic and get back to our topic
 
Meditations and witchcraft.
We’ve talked about people and energy fields and the vast opportunities these fields invite from change, reinventing, or simply clearing our spiritual bodies. We’ve discussed colors associated with these energy fields. However, not everyone is skilled enough to read these energy fields/ auras.
 
What I enjoyed reading was how Ms. Ravenwolf uses her skills to read people. She closes her eyes and thinks about the person in the present time and how they are acting at that moment. She then reaches out to the universe, and nature seeking a connection that correlates with the person at that moment in time. She would request images or mental pictures to understand what the person needed to solve their problem or why they were reacting as they are.
 
I thought that this was an interesting approach and maybe I could fine tune my psychic skills. My strengths before I was injured in 2011 was I could see colors around people easily. It terrified me at first but then I found it comforting because forewarned was always better than being caught off guard with negativity.
 
Then I had the brain injury and my ability to process changed drastically. I had to find a way to function in my own pain cycle and learn to focus my mind again. Meditation was very helpful to me although I never regained the visual imagery of color. Instead, my hearing became acuter. Because, my hearing is off the scales now it offers different opportunities. I hear the energy and then by studying the person’s actions, I make different assessments based on what I’ve read and used in the past about different auras.
 
Ravenwolf discussed having your body being prepared for the readings such as a spiritual bath, deep breathing or mental clearing. For me, mental clearing has served me well. I don’t want my personal baggage interfering with the person I’m reading. It’s not like we always have the time to prepare but doing the best we can matters.
 
Anyway back to Ravenwolf’s process, it appealed to me because I am very much in tune with nature. So I decided to try her path and see how it works. I focused on the person and said their full name three times and than inquired with the universe and nature to provide me with nature images that would be beneficial to that person. I scribbled everything that came to mind so I could study the images. She stressed not being judgmental, just go with what comes to mind during the visualization and meditation.
 
I talked with different friends in the craft and they agreed with her assessment as it being very shamanic and intuitive.
 
What I discovered in following this path my focus improved and my visualizations along with the energy I heard helped me understand the person and their needs much better and I was able to be more helpful when needed. I also discovered it helped me fine tune my relationships and eliminate the negative energy people draining me.
 
Like for instance this one person every time I followed her method and visualized with the universe’s help the image that came to mind after saying the person’s name was poison ivy, the shiny five leaves were distinct. This person always caused stress and I felt like my skin was irritated but no rash or visual sign appeared but once I ended our relationship I no longer had hypersensitive skin. I should have listened to my body’s warning signs but didn’t. My hearing felt overstimulated and I didn’t feel balanced. Yet I dismissed it because we’d been friends for years. I minimize my time with the person and take extra precautions for myself to minimize her effect on me .
 
The bottom ls to fine tune your psychic skills and the method that works best for you. Blessed be
 
The Witching Hour by Silver RavenWolf 2017 Pgs 88-90

Wiccan Series

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Part 7

Do you find yourself conflicted? You’re not alone. All of us seek unity within ourselves and with heaven and earth. But getting there seems challenging if not impossible. How do we develop a keener understanding of our self?
 
That’s where understanding the impact of our actions is vital. Reflection on unity through meditation allows the watery realms of our emotions to become clearer. We react and feel for reasons that are frequently unclear because we get so overwhelmed with stress and life’s complications. Shining a light on our emotions and reactions will help us evolve into our fullest potential. We need to embrace our psychic powers, use the awareness to guide our responses and reactions. They’re a natural part of us and within our power to change because we are always in a constant cyclic state of growth and change. Sadly, many of us fear growth and evolution. That fear handicaps us.
 
Reality is growth and change are inevitable and unavoidable. We are here to live and experience life and to fear less so we can reach our fullest potential.
 
“The death of fear is in doing what you fear to do.” — Sequichie Comingdeer
 
“Magic is not always serious or solemn. It is a joyous celebration and merging with the life-force.” — Scott Cunningham.
 
“Good energy was never meant to be waisted on idiocy.” – Silver RavenWolf.
 
“Magic is natural. It is a harmonious movement of energies to create a needed change.” — Scott Cunningham.
 
“A witch is someone who has dedicated her life to learning about the connections between things. She studies the different cycles and her place in them. She learns how to use the energy in herself and in the world to make changes. And most of all, she tries to make the world a better place for herself and other people.” — Isobel Bird
 
Blessed be.